Blame Game
by k-a-k-a-sensei
Summary: This takes place after everyone returns to the Recon Corps castle after the failed recon mission to Zhinganshina with the female-type titan. Eren can't help but feel responsible for the massive casualties...
1. Chapter 1

**EreRi **

**Blame-Game**

My footsteps echoed eerily throughout the silent halls of the castle. The mission had been an utter failure, and the list of causalities only seems to grow. We had returned with our heads hung low and no one dared make eye contact with either Levi-heicho or Commander Irwin, only sparing somber glances at our comrades as they passed us by. Everyone seemed to dispatch instantly as soon as we were dismissed, each and everyone of us disappearing into our rooms with hardly a word. I clenched my fists tightly at my sides, _That female titan..._I growled mentally, _she slaughtered dozens of us! Dozens of my comrades! My _friends!The words themselves seemed to burn me as they echoed within my thoughts.

I continued down the maze of hallways, wandering aimlessly, desperate to escape the deafening silence of the castle. Each and every door I passed was closed tightly shut, showing no sign of opening. I swallowed the lump that was rising in my throat and hastened my pace. I needed to move, I couldn't possibly sit still; not now. Slowly my steps hastened still, growing faster and faster with every step until I was sprinting across the stone floor. I didn't bother trying to steady my breath, or search for judgmental eyes that may be gawking at my strange behavior. I could only run. Run from the words that I couldn't bring myself to say aloud, or even to myself. I couldn't bear to hear them.

The sandy stone walls came to an end, bursting into the courtyard that sat empty, bathing in the golden light of the setting sun. I skidded to a stop, taking the chilled air of the evening deep into my lungs hoping it would stop the burning. I glanced around the area, searching for familiar faces only to find nothing but the same silence that I had been running from before. I simply stood there in the center of the courtyard, my head hanging down, staring at the chipped and worn stone below my boots where so many others have stood before.

"Why must our lives be so easily taken from us.." I whispered to myself, my nails digging into the flesh of my palm. My voice deepened to a growl, "I don't understand!"

As the words left my lips the sound of footsteps appeared behind me, coming from the same direction I had just came through moments before. I twisted myself around to face the oncoming steps of an unfamiliar face. It was an older member, not one of the newer recruits that I knew. His expression was weathered and torn, the marks and scars that laid scattered across his skin served as proof of his service; no doubt from his various expeditions outside the walls. I watched him approach me, slowly coming to a stop several feet from me. He didn't speak at first, only stared at me with a disconcerting darkness in his eyes. I felt my body tense at his presence.

"Is it true?" He demanded shakily, his voice failing to remain clear of his obvious distress. I blinked at him, not understanding his question.

"I-Is what true, Sir..?" I asked nervously, making sure to remain respectful of his higher rank. His brow furrowed in contempt at my question.

"Don't play dumb with me!" He barked, a hand raising to press against his forehead in frustration. "I overheard that Armin kid talking while we were out there. He said that you were-" his voice caught, "-that you were what that _thing_ was after."

My heart dropped to my stomach as those words left his lips, my breath catching in my throat as I stared at him. "I-"

"IS. IT. TRUE?!" His voice boomed throughout the emptiness of the courtyard. I cringed at his sudden animosity, then let my gaze fall to the floor. I was silent, choosing my words carefully.

"I believe so, yes..."

The darkness that stained his eyes melted to disgust, leaking into his words as spoke. "So it is true... You're the reason that all of my friends are dead." My head snapped up at his words, eyes stretching wide as if his words had physically struck me. He continued, his knuckles going white at his sides. "Everything we've done for the past few weeks has been because of you. And now I'm the last one of all my friends, all because you showed up here and had us throw our lives away on a goddamn suicide mission!"

"We could never have expected a titan like that to show up." My voice sounded distant, even to my own ears. _Why am I defending myself?_ I wondered emptily. "No amount of planning could have predicted that."

The man scoffed resentfully, "We would never have had a reason to even go on that mission if it weren't for you!" He took several steps forward, closing the distance between us. I reflexively stepped back at his movements, my skin prickling with the rising tension. "You're the one to blame for everything! You're why they're dead! YOU KILLED THEM!"

His fist came slamming into my jaw, sending me fumbling backwards onto the ground. Burning pain shot through my jaw as a familiar warmth flooded my taste buds; blood. He approached me again, looming over me with hate filled eyes that were clouded by tears. I made no move to defend myself as his boot came flying into my chest, knocking the air from my lungs. I buckled over coughing, blood dripping from my mouth as I heaved, clutching at my chest.

Then came another swift kick to my stomach, and another, and another. "**You killed them! You killed them!**" he chanted, each kick more powerful then the last. He bent down to grab the collar of my shirt, yanking me harshly to my knees only to slam his knuckles into my face once again. Only he didn't let me fall to the floor this time, instead he held tight to my shirt, keeping me in range of his fist. My head hung heavily to the side, a piercing ringing filled my ears as my vision blurred in and out with every blink. The hits kept coming one after the other, his chanting "Murderer!" faded into the ringing until I couldn't hear him anymore.

His grip tightened on my collar, raising me up to hit me once again. I waited for the impact, but it didn't come. Before I could open my eyes to look at why he might be hesitating his grip disappeared from my shirt and I collapsed back down to the stone ground, my lungs gasping for air to fill its battered spaces. My mouth tasted of nothing but warm iron with each and every breath I took. The ringing in my ears slowly declined to where I could hear again and I forced my eyes to flicker open. Between me and the man who had been attacking me stood Corporal Rivaille, his hand grasping firmly around the other mans wrist while his eyes glared narrowly up at him. Slowly his voice became clearer to my still ringing ears.

"...ever catch you laying a finger on him again, I'll break your entire goddamn hand, you got that?" Rivaille's voice was low, yet still held every bit of its power. I tried to look over at the man from before, but Rivaille blocked his face from view. "Your comrades died by mine and the commanders orders. This brat has nothing to do with it."

"Th-They're all—dead, corporal...!" I heard him whimper as I watched his knees shake beneath him. At that moment I felt only pity for the man who had been attacking me moments before. He wasn't angry with me, I knew that. I was simply an outlet for his own self hatred. Even though his words held truth, his judgment is far from clear...

"Yeah, a lot of people are dead. You can blame me if it makes you feel better, but taking it out on this kid isn't going to bring them back." Despite his stern and commanding tone, there was an underlying sympathy to his words. "Now get out of my sight."

"Ye-Yes sir..."

And with that the man walked off without another word or glance in Rivaille's direction. A wave of dizziness swept across my mind as the shock and pain began to set in. Corporal turned to face me once my assailant had completely disappeared down from the courtyard, his expression remaining expressionless as always. I opened my mouth to speak,

"H-Hei-cho, I'm sorry..." I coughed breathlessly as I attempted to push myself up from the ground.

"Shut up," he snapped, kneeling down to scoop my battered body into his arms.

"Hei-cho, no! I can-" I protested, only to be cut short.

"I said shut up, Eren. That was an order."

"Y-Yes, sir..." I spoke as my voice faded into another fit of coughs.

Rivaille carried me across his chest with was felt like compete ease. _He's much stronger than he looks, _ I thought silently to myself. I felt myself lean into him, finally allowing my eyes to fall shut and savor the warmth that radiated off Heicho's chest. I hadn't realized how cold I'd become until I was next to something so warm. _Corporal is strong and kind. That is why so many of us look up to __him._

Corporals voice cut my sentiments short, "Oi, Eren, you still conscious?" I nodded. "Good. Stay that way for a while, I've got something to discuss with you."

I nodded again, "Understood..."

I found myself fading in and out of consciousness as Rivaille continued to carry me, losing myself in his warmth. My eyes flickered open, glancing around my surroundings. I was in room, laid down neatly on my bed. I pushed myself up onto my elbows, cringing at the soreness that clung to my chest from where I had been kicked so harshly. I could tell I had already begun to heal most of the superficial injuries and the taste of blood was fading from my mouth.

"Didn't I tell you to stay conscious?" It was Rivaille's voice. He was sitting on a chair across the room from me, legs crossed elegantly as he leaned his chin against his knuckle. "Can't you even follow simple orders like that?"

I swallowed hard, pushing myself the rest of the way up to meet his dark, narrow eyes. "S-Sorry, sir. I couldn't help it."

Rivaille scoffed, "Must you always be such a pain in the ass?" As he spoke the words he stood from his chair and walked over to stand over me, eyes looming down onto me. "Eren..."

"Yes, Sir?"

He paused, "Do you agree with him?" His question caught me off guard,

"What do you mean, sir?"

His eyes narrowed into slits as he dropped himself down to lean his hands on the edge of my bed, staring me directly in the eye. "Do you think that he was right? Do you think you're to blame for everyone that died?"

The realization hit me, recalling everything that the man had said while I allowed him to take out his frustration on me. My eyes fell to my hands in my lap.

"Answer me." he commanded.

"I... don't _disagree_ with him..." It was true. The words that I had been running away from to begin with, the words that I couldn't bring myself to say were those exact words that he had said. _I was the reason so many people were dead._

"You're stupider than I though then, brat." I didn't look up at him, I simply continued to stare down at my open hands, imagining the amount of blood that stains them. Rivaille hesitated for a moment, staring down at me as I looked guiltily at my hands. "It's not your fault, Eren." He said slowly, his eyes not once leaving mine. I felt my heart speed up at his closeness.

"Maybe not completely," I began, clutching at the fabric of my pants, trying not to break away from Rivaille's gaze. "but I can't help but take responsibility for being the reason for the number of casualties..."

Rivaille's hand came up and cupped my chin, bringing my face just inches away from his own. My heart started racing and I could feel my cheeks flush involuntarily. "Listen to me, you stubborn brat, I am telling you that trying to shoulder the weight of those deaths will do nothing but get you killed the next time." My eyes widened in surprise, "Every single person that gave their lives did so with honor and purpose; don't sully their death with your guilt. It's because of their sacrifice that we were able to make it back at all, got it?"

The way he spoke those words was almost just as much to himself as it was to me. Rivaille probably carries the weight of every life lost on his shoulders. He's even willing to take the blame for other people's mistakes just so they don't have to suffer the same pain that he does. Heicho is truly selfless...

Tears slowly swelled in my eyes as I continued to gaze into Rivaille's dark, serious eyes. I looked away, embarrassed for showing such emotion in front of him. I lifted my hand to wipe away my tears, only to find that Rivaille's hand had already left my chin and moved to wipe my tears himself. His hand lingered on my cheek, holding my face lightly in his hand. _I wonder what he's thinking... being so close like this..._

"Heicho..." I muttered breathlessly but determined to continue, "It's not all your burden to bear either. I know that I'm just a monster, but I want to be of use to humanity... and to you. Even if it means shouldering the weight with you. It's the least I can do..."

For a moment he was silent his eyes widening at my sudden words. He lowered himself to sit beside me on the edge of the bed; I could tell he was contemplating his answer carefully. "I think you're a lot of things, shitty brat." With those words he drew even closer, leaving our lips hovering over each other, our breath mixing in the space between us. The tips of his bangs tickled my forehead as they hung. My face felt like it was on fire and my heart pounded against my chest. His breath was even and cool against my flaming skin. "But_...just_ a monster..." He grazed his lips over mine, withdrawing just before they could fully meet. "No."

And with that, he closed the distance, his lips meeting mine for the first time. The fog that had clouded my mind disappeared with the heat of Heicho's contact, leaving me utterly breathless. The hand that had cradled my cheek slid down my face to rest on my neck, sending waves of heat through my body at his every touch. His soft kiss pressed farther into me, forcing my lips apart for him to slide his tongue though the gap. My hand reached up for him, grasping at the back of his neck, desperately trying to keep myself connected with him.

Slowly he pulled himself away, still keeping himself inches away from myself. "Does that answer your question?" He asked almost teasingly, the corner of his lip twitching upwards into the beginnings of a smirk. I searched for a response, but I was too breathless to answer in any form of words. Instead, I only smiled at him, took his face between my hands and pulled him back down into another deep kiss.

Together we can shoulder each others guilt and sorrow. He won't have to do it all on his own anymore...


	2. Chapter 2

Almost a week had passed since that evening with Corporal. I could still recall it perfectly, as if it were just the other day. After that second kiss he pulled away and ordered me to get some sleep, and I did, albeit reluctantly at first... The next few days allowed for life to return to normal in the Recon Corps. One by one people were beginning to smile and laugh again, their grief fading with every day. I scanned the sea of familiar faces around me, attempting to count the number of smiling faces I passed as I made my way through the crowd.

"What are you looking for, Eren?" asked Mikasa, trailing beside me. I shook my head,

"Nothing, just glad to see everyone's spirits up again."

She nodded her head in agreement, "That's true, people are finally starting to get back into focus after the last mission."

"Eren! Mikasa!" We each turned our heads to the direction of the voice to see Armin's usual bright expression jogging toward us, his hand waving above his head. "This is the most people to show up for dinner-call in a while."

I cast another quick glance around the room, "Yeah. The first few days after we returned almost nobody left their rooms..." Armin's brow furrowed slightly at his recollection of the events.

"I've been over hearing a lot of angry comments towards the commander and corporal Rivaille lately. Apparently many people are blaming them for the missions failure..."

Mikasa's eyes narrowed at Armin's comment, glaring off into the crowd as she spoke. "I've heard similar things, only towards Eren as well."

I let my eyes drop down towards my plate of food, my hands clenching tighter around its edges. I couldn't help but still feel some some of those thoughts were justified, even after that night with Corporal. Armin, sensing the tension rising decided to change the topic to something lighter, going on about how he's been spending time with Hanji discussing titan behaviors and reading over her notes with her during his free time. The three of us continued to talk casually for the rest of dinner, Armin doing most of the talking as usual. Afterwards we each said our _see ya later_'s and went our separate ways to our assigned post. I was on horse duty again, not that I minded it much. If anything it was one of my preferred jobs. I was almost always the only one there, so it gave me time to myself. Time I didn't have much of these days...

I turned the corner, pulling at the fabric of my jacket as if it would somehow shield me from the oncoming breeze. The air was only getting progressively cooler ever night; at this rate winter will be here before we know it. The horses reacted to my arrival as they usually did; neighing and moving around in their stalls, ready for their meals. I greeted each horse individually as I entered it's stall to fill its trough with grain and clean hay. They in turn greeted me with a wet and grateful tongue. Once each horse had it's fair share I turned to face the second set of stables and started to make my way over only to stop short at an surprising sight.

Standing at the gate of his horses stable was Rivaille, his arm fully extended to pet the head of his large horse. Seeing him standing next to such a large animal only made his height even more noticeably shorter. He was gazing up at the beasts dark eyes, his hand running tenderly up and down it's ebony muzzle. Even at this distance I could tell there was a distance to his eyes, almost a sadness to his movements. My arms ached to reach for him, but I restrained myself, knowing that Corporal wouldn't want to be disturbed during his personal time like this.

As if I had spoken my thoughts out loud, Rivaille's head turned to face my direction, his eyes landing directly on me. My breath caught and I felt my cheeks flush lightly against the embarrassment of being caught staring. Quickly I broke away from his gaze and spun on my heels to leave him in peace.

"Eren," He called out, stopping me in my tracks. "where are you rushing off to?"

I swallowed, "Uh, nowhere, sir. I was just going to come back later so I wouldn't disturb you. You seemed withdrawn..."

Rivaille's expression wasn't phased at all; he scoffed and turned his sights back onto his horse, "Idiot brat, you're not disturbing me by doing your job."

"R-Right. Sorry." I said, moving slowly over towards where he was standing and returned to tending to the horses right away. He remained silent, not paying me any mind as I worked. As I finished with the first stable and moved to begin on the second one, I lifted my head just in time to see Rivaille's horse run a long slobbery kiss over his extended hand. The corporal's face tensed in disgust. Without thinking I rushed to his side, pulling cloth from my jacket pocket and handing it out to him.

"Here, sir, use this!"

His eyes lingered loathing on his now dirtied hand before lifting to rest on the cloth in my hand. "Thanks." he said curtly, taking the cloth from me and wiping away the slobber from his skin. A small grin escaped my lips as I watched him.

"Something funny, Jaeger?"

"No, sir." I lied, my hand reaching guiltily for the back of my neck. He was far from convinced, but he didn't say anything, he only stared. I waited a moment for him to speak again before I moved to continue tending to the stables like before.

"Oi, Eren..."

"Yes, sir?"

He hesitated, as if not sure if he wanted to continue speaking at all. "I'm sorry about the other day."

My eyes widened in surprise at his sudden kind words. Hearing those words come from the Corporal almost sounded unreal. "Sir?"

Rivaille gazed at me for a moment then turned his back to me, "Forget it." I racked my brain for what he could possibly be apologizing for, then it hit me.

"Wait! I was just surprised to hear you say something like that." He didn't turn to face me, "I just don't know what you would apologize for..."

He spoke without turning to look at me, "It was unprofessional of me to make advances like that, that's all." With that said he began to walk away. Without thinking I reached for him, grabbing the sleeve of his jacket.

"Hey!" I called out, allowing my hand to linger on his clothing. "Wait a second, will you?"

Finally he turned to look at me again, raising a dark eyebrow at my outburst. "I don't have anything else to say to you right now-"

"Take it back." I interrupted, keeping my tone low and serious. The eyebrow he had raised furrowed in confusion.

"Take what back?"

"The apology..."

"Why should I?"

"Because you made me happy!" Rivaille's dark eyes went wide, clearly speechless. I continued anyway. "I willingly let myself get beaten like that because I already agreed with everything he was saying... I was disgusted with myself... then you showed me that I wasn't the only one who felt that way." I took another step towards him, shortening the distance between us to where I was directly across from him, gazing down at those familiar dark eyes of his. "So... please don't apologize for that, because if anyone should be apologizing, it's me."

"I don't want your apology, you brat." Hearing him return to his usual tone brought a smile to my face.

"Then let me thank you." There was a silence between us as I raised my arms to take his face in my hands. I stood perfectly still, gazing longingly down into his eyes for a moment, as if wordlessly asking permission before I carefully lowered my lips to hover over his, just as he had done last time. "Properly, that is..." I smiled as I whispered the words onto his lips, finally bringing my lips to fully meet his. Rivaille didn't resist at all, allowing himself to be pulled into my embrace, our lips connecting in an unspoken agreement. Within moments his arms lifted to mirror mine, cradling my face in his slender, and weathered hands. I felt my breath escape me at his touch, my heartbeat pounding harshly against my ribs. _I can't believe I was so forward just now!_

Rivaille pulled me down, deepening our kiss farther. Unconsciously I lowered my hands to wrap around his waist and lifted him off the ground to press his body against mine. His legs wrapped around my waist while repositioning his arms to coil themselves around my neck as well, allowing himself to hug my body perfectly. Out hot breath mixed restlessly within each other, our tongues interlacing with every kiss. I carried him closer towards the stable wall, holding him securely against the it while hiding ourselves from any passing eyes.

There was an uncharacteristic intensity to Rivaille's passion; the way he melted into me with every movement, the insatiable way he sought my mouth. I've known him to be a lot of things, but this was a side of him I'd never experienced before, in more ways than one. How long could it have been since Rivaille's been with someone else like this? Maybe he was lonely...secretly longing for someone to be close to again. _Could I be that person for him? _I wanted to help him bear the weight he carried with him everywhere. More than anything I just wanted to be close to him like this... for as long as I could.

Slowly Rivaille's legs unwound themselves from my waist, and I lowered him back down to the ground. Reluctantly I pulled away from his lips, panting breathlessly as my hands trailed up his chest to rest on either side of his neck. His eyelids flickered open as our lips released, meeting my gaze equally as breathless.

"_Eren..._"He whispered my name, its sound resonating within my core, sending a cold shiver down my spine. I wanted him... I yearned to know him deeper, feel him as no one had before. "Your body is mine... You got that?"

I nodded my head, my eyes refusing to leave his, "Understood..."


End file.
